The more I think I have life figured out, the more I realize that there might be nothing at all to figure.. Hm.. go figure.

For those who know me at all, it’s already clear that I don’t find inherent value in things and I get frustrated when it comes to thinking about what it is I ‘should’ do. The ‘should’ must be within context, it needs an antecedent. But what is there to be? I feel like it’s all so lacking in value, and it seems that, apart from the value I can give something, it’s more and more the case. I guess defining the world isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, and it seems that it’s what we do independent of such groundlessness.

This thought has a decent amount of practical value with regard to how one lives life within the community. I could mention any number of instances to discuss but it seems that such instances would only go to cloud the initial thought from the audience’s perspective. Generally though, it has to do with this:

I don’t really have a lot of friends. I’m a bit hard to deal with. This is acceptable though as I attempt to be a friend in a way that differs from most other people in that I try to do what’s best for the other and not what simply makes them happy. I tend to be the one who gives advice based on a decently rational approach and I get really frustrated when I see people I care about making bad choices. Lately though I’ve been having a problem with this as I’m not entirely sure what ‘best’ is for anyone.

At first, I thought it was simple: The best for someone was whatever caused them to utilize their potential to the fullest.

Then I thought, maybe the individuals do not want that and they would rather be slackers or maybe they find different things ‘better’. So… then I thought for a moment, maybe it really IS just what makes someone happy that I should be supporting.

Ah ha! But then a problem came to mind: What if people are conditioned to do things that are oppressive but they are also convinced by said conditioning that what they are governing themselves by is actually what they want? We can always start with the extreme and bring up an example of a culture in which they would sacrifice women in a volcano to appease the volcano god. ( First thing that came to mind… leave me alone ) Even if the women jumped into the volcano, we would look at the situation and state that they are misguided.

So I don’t know what to do anymore with this issue. I want to make the lives of my friends better. I just don’t know how that’s even possible given my understanding of the term ‘better’.

Hm.. on to specifics. So there I was, talking to a girl that I’d never actually hung out with in a social situation before, wondering why I instantaneously cared so much about the interaction. Not to imply that the girl in question didn’t merit concern and that she doesn’t have value, but it was just interesting to me that I felt immediately attached to this girl when we had been less than friends in the past. I thought it might be that, in such a relaxed situation, I had finally been able to see a genuine side of her that I wanted so badly to hold on to, and yet that in itself, were her genuine nature to not be enough, would not have sufficed. So even if that were the case, it was only because I was so intrigued by the girl that I had known for awhile but had never really seen.

Eh. Whatever. Regardless of reason, there was a paradigm shift of sorts that hit me all of a sudden. Maybe this is simply what growing feels like… what learning and experiencing new things feels like? I don’t know how ‘norm’ it is, but our one on one time was added to the already great evening of friends and fun times was just too much for me to handle within the label of a ‘decent time’, and so I told her that she had been a major contributor to what was one of the best times I’ve genuinely had in a very, very long time.

So that is the story in a decently general sense. I guess I just like that connective feel. Maybe I just like attractive girls who talk to me. Or perhaps it was the Sweetwater I’d been drinking ( I kid! ). But through our conversations and driving around and cartwheels to practice our athleticism, I remember talking about life and I remember looking at this girl at 1ish AM as I said goodbye thinking ‘Fuck… There are some things in her life that I’d do just about anything to fix for her’.

And then I remember sitting on the grass with her earlier that night and telling her that, since all moments past have brought us to the present, I’m glad we didn’t get along in the past since I couldn’t have thought of a better way to spend that evening. So maybe fixing isn’t the goal, maybe being there to cartwheel with is all I need to be.

So it’s in this way ( with regard to how to interact with friends ), and in a couple of other different ways, that this girl, in the span of one night, showed me life in a way that I hadn’t thought possible; a way in which I could just sit there and be happy. Hm.. what a thought.